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Post by Old Lion on Aug 16, 2014 21:43:32 GMT
So this is it, I'm gonna try and sleep now but I've done a day. I'm not gonna say it hasn't hurt, heck there have been times this pains covered my whole body. It's not so much me not talking to you that stings, it's knowing I can't. I can't tell you how scared I am about having a breakdown cause if I do there ain't gonna be anyway out of it. Overall today's not been so bad, I watched films and videos all day to try and distract myself and I even forced myself to go out. along the way I wound up at Hele and I spent 2 hours or so making what is now my profile picture for you. But even so there's been this pain in my chest all day.
This is gonna be the hardest part, getting to sleep. I think we both already assumed so. I'm gonna try and picture you here with all my will power Kath, I promise, but promising to try is all I can do. I really hope I can sleep, especially after my last 2 nights and cause I need to work and in this state I really just can't. I really hope I sleep.
okay, so I've gotten through one day of this hell, just six and a half left.
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Post by Old Lion on Aug 16, 2014 23:10:39 GMT
So it's Sunday now, really need to sleep. I've just randomly started to cry. Well I say random, it ain't is it?
God I miss you
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Post by Old Lion on Aug 17, 2014 21:50:40 GMT
Safe to say I didn't sleep much. I ended up watching Toy Story three and (strongly disagreeing with the moral message of the movie) decided to sleep with a couple of my toys. I finally drifted up at like 3-4 with Spiderman and Toothless by my side, I think they're gonna protect me all week.
I felt like shit waking up and have been kind of rough all day. I couldn't get any work done, my heads not working right. I'm missing you like hell Kath and it hurts knowing there's still five and a half days to go. I really don't know if I can do it, but I swear to you I'm gonna try.
I hate this so much, thee best part of the day was without a doubt writing my dream and my song meaning up, I hope you see them soon. I also hope you're surviving too and that you're doing as okay as you can. I know you must be worrying like hell like I was in London and it must be awful not being able to check on me but I hope you know it won't be too long to go until I see you and you see me.
we've gotten through two days of Hell Kath, we can do this. I love you so much :*
Now I'm gonna try and sleep, we can do this Kath
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Post by Old Lion on Aug 17, 2014 23:44:50 GMT
Apparently I'm just gonna make a thing of crying after midnight
I miss you so so much
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Post by Old Lion on Aug 18, 2014 16:06:57 GMT
Oh god I feel awful. another rough night with the addition of nightmares too. Kept on dreaming about you not being here, something's you'd leave me, a couple of times you were dead. The paranoid part of me is really starting to worry about that; I keep on pacing or crying or just lying on my bed not doing anything. I can't imagine what hell you must be going through to Kath but we're slowly making it, I gotta remember that and so do you.
you know I was really hoping I'd get some kind of message from you today, I know it's stupid of me but I kept on imagining you sending me a message saying it was Monday so here you were, the thought almost made me smile. When 4:30 finally came around I knew that wasn't going to happen. I've been comfort eating. God I feel like crap. I have gotten some work done though and I reckon I'll do some more after writing this. I'm going to see Inbetweeners 2 tonight and then Hannah's sleeping round; I'm hoping one or the other might make me smile. I haven't smiled since Saturday.
I hope you're coping better than me Kath, as well as you can be anyway. Just remember I love you so much and I'm never gonna let go of you, you're my whole entire world.
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Post by Old Lion on Aug 18, 2014 20:01:59 GMT
Just punched the wall, little finger hurts.
Nearly snapped Luna's wand, heard the wood creaking and I stopped myself but oh god I can't even control my body anymore. I can't even sleep. I've got so many worries and so many fears, I hope to god you're okay, please be okay. I just wished you could let me know, maybe then I'd stop feeling so depressed and maybe I could get some sleep.
Keep on checking the site, knowing nothing will be here but still feeling crushed when I'm right. it's still Monday, maybe...no! i'm being stupid. God I miss you Kath, Please be okay, as okay as you can be
I love you with all my heart
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Post by Old Lion on Aug 19, 2014 15:52:10 GMT
Okay last night was actually quite nice, the movie distracted me for a while, acted as an aesthetic to numb how I've felt and being with Hannah actually made me smile a few times. it was a weird feeling. I still didn't sleep at all but I had company which was nice, I wasn't facing the night by myself you know. But now Hannah's gone and I feel a knot in my stomach again. It's safe to say I am full on depressed. However I'm not the only one; Ben feels like crap, he's not been eating. I'm gonna look aftter him, gonna tell him he can stay here as long as he wants. I think that's the best thing I can do while you're away, I can help people, I think its the best thing I can do. I'm still looking after you too you know sweetheart, I'm right there holding your hand and helping you too. I'm right there and I've got you  I'm gonna do good Kath, gonna keep making you proud. Gonna look after Ben and kee him as happy as I can all the while looking after you and keeping you safe and snug and happy. I love you so much Kath :* so very very much |
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Post by Old Lion on Aug 20, 2014 13:04:12 GMT
actually slept a bit last night, I snuggled up with you nice and tight and I slowly drifted off. I looked after Ben and in turn he looked after me, we have a system now and I know I can make it to Saturday. I love you so very much Kath and i'm right there squeezing your hand. I miss you like hell and I know you feel the same. We've made it half way though and I'm still squeezing your hand, gonna keep on squeezing until you're back and then I'm gonna make you feel like the most special girl in the world. You know why? cause to me you are! gonna play some xbox now, thought you might wanna snuggle up with me |
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Post by Old Lion on Aug 20, 2014 23:12:49 GMT
So I had a breakdown today, was at Bens with a whole 8 people and I couldn't take it. I hid in the bathroom until Ben got me and he had to sneak me out. I've been shaking for hours. All this paranoyia and worry it's killing me I thin, so I finally broke down and told the guys, told my family. and they've all been messaging me, all been supporting me. actually made me smile a good few times :)I know they're gonna help me, they're my shield from the demons and they've promised to help however they can. I miss you a tonne Kath and I really hope you're doing better than me. I love you with all my heart and all my soul and I'm here for you forever and always -squeezes her hand- I'm gonna hold onto you and look after you forever and ever, just as I know you're gonna do the same, and in three days time Kath I'm gonna treat you like the angel you are |
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Post by Old Lion on Aug 21, 2014 0:13:47 GMT
I love you |
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Post by Old Lion on Aug 21, 2014 22:27:20 GMT
Been a mixed day today. Got some more support from my friends, messages just saying they had my back just like you do I also had a chance to actually relax for a tiny bit, most of the paranoia and worry almost went away for a while. However earlier I tried to go the carnival, it's something I always wanted to do every year but could never bring myself to do you know and I was hoping after the amount I've grown I could finally go. I was wrong Thankfully Daniel was having the same reaction as me (brother like brother eh) and we spent the evening watching you tube together and having him ask when you were coming back. Just two more nights now Kath, just two more I promise. I hope you're doing okay and I hop you know I've got you just like I always will. I love you so very much Kath, I love each and everything about you |
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Post by Old Lion on Aug 22, 2014 0:05:00 GMT
God I love you |
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Post by Old Lion on Aug 22, 2014 2:15:17 GMT
I love you so very much |
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Post by Old Lion on Aug 22, 2014 22:42:21 GMT
I am so very very tired. This while weeks been filled with worry and paranoia and I am so very tired. I look a mess, caught myself in the mirror today and I could see the week on my face. But We've done it Kath, tomorrow you'll message and I'll message back and we'll Skype for as long as we want and then next week you'll be in my room with me again too. I've gotten Ironman back for us to watch and dr who and lego Harry Potter too. It's gonna be such fun, perfect even and it's just ahead of us. The thought of being with you again has kept me strong enough to get through this we did it Kath. It's been such a though week, I cant imagine what you've been through yourself sweetheart but I've got you, I've had you in my arms all week I hope I've kept you going just like how you've kept me going and all of next week is gonna be me and you :3 I love you so much Kath, I'll see you tomorrow |
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Post by Old Lion on Aug 23, 2014 2:12:43 GMT
Oh I love you so much
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